PRESENTING:

ODD CREATURES ADAPTED AS A BAD STAGE MUSICAL WITH SONGS FROM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST!

(Title needs work)

OPENING SCENE:

*We see our heroine strolling on a Dortugal morning*

[to the tune of: "Belle"]

TAPPY:  Sun goes up
                In my private jungle
                Ev'ry day
                Like the one before
                Only beasts
                And hallucinations
                Here to smile and say:

DANCING FRENCH FRUITY CHAMELEON BROTHERS:   
                Bonjour!
                Bonjour!
                Bonjour! Bonjour! Bonjour!

TAPPY:  The sun comes up, it's just another morning
                Another breakfast of raw boar
                Every day seems just the same
                All the flowers call my name

ANGRY WAFFLES:   We all fear that girl's not rowing with both oars!

TAPPY: I fear I may be losing it.

ANGRY WAFFLES: That's nice. Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up! Check, please!

*They blow up*

ANIMALS:  Look, there's the girl that they call Tapioca
                       She's searching for the Pteracheat
                      And someday I fear we'll find
                      We're just products of her mind
                      Who could blame her, being crazy from the heat?

TIN CAN:     Bonjour!
TAPPY:        Good day!
TIN CAN:    Why did I speak French?

CHAMELEON: Bonjour!
TAPPY:              Good day!
CHAMELEON:  I need a life...

TAPPY:             Do you lay eggs?
JUBJUB BIRD: I think that's personal!

TAPPY: I've had enough of this wild, restless life!

TV HOST: We're coming to you live from the wilds of Dortugal, where we encounter one of the legendary Wild Women in her natural habitat. More details come as they are available.

CHAMELEONS:  Look, there she goes, that girl is like no other
                               She's quite absurd, everyone knows
                               In the wilds she will roam,
                               She has no proper home,
                               And I think that she could use a change of clothes!

TAPPY:  Oh, isn't it amazing?
                When the clay earth sinks among your feet?
                Then you hear a sound and you gaze skyward
                And if you squint real hard you'll see a Pteracheat!

SNORING CALCULATORS:      
                Now, it's no wonder that her name means "pudding",
                She's somewhat cloying, yet so sweet
                But behind her pretty features
                She's one of those odd creatures
                Very different from the rest of us,
                Stranger than the most digressed of us
                When it comes to oddness Tappy's got us beat!

*To Strong Bad's living room*

STRONG BAD: Oh, man, The Cheat. I am totally awesome!

THE CHEAT: Mehhhh...

STRONG BAD: Oh, stop meh-ing. You know it's true... hey, what's this?

TV HOST: The Wilds of Dortugal are not to be taken lightly, as you can see here!

STRONG BAD: Oh, man! If we could get that wild girl on our network, the ratings would go through the roof and make, like, a jagged hole in its wake!

MARZIPAN: That's not just any wild girl! That's my cousin Tapioca!

STRONG BAD: Well, that makes first impressions all the easier! Get the cam, The Cheat! It's magic time!

THE CHEAT: Meh!

STRONG MAD: DAAAAAAAHHHH...

STRONG BAD: Oh, you like her, do ya, big guy? Well, come with us and you'll get to see her in person!

STRONG MAD: YAY!!! TAPPY!

STRONG BAD:  Right from the day I got this cable channel
                             I've needed something good to show
                             Now this wild girl's the thing
                             To get people tuning in
                            Maybe even beat that stupid HBO!

TV HOST: This wild girl
                   Isn't she feral?
                   She's quite a beast
                  As you can see
                  As this footage is unique
                  I'm the only one to speak...
STRONG BAD: We're live for T-Double-U-A-T-V!

TV HOST: Hey, where'd you come from?

TV HOST: Get lost!
STRONG BAD: No way!
TV HOST: This is my story!
STRONG BAD: Who cares?
TV HOST: I do!
STRONG BAD: Go get a life!
                            Belt him, Strong Mad.
TV HOST: Okay, I'm leaving...

TAPPY:              I've had enough of this uncivil life!
STRONG BAD: The Cheat, when was this camera's lens last wiped?

ALL:       Look there she goes, the girl named Tapioca
                I wonder if she'll be happy
                Though the jungle's at her feet
                She still seems so incomplete
                'Cause she really is a funny girl,
                A wild, swinging funny girl,
                She really is a funny girl...
               
*Strong Mad busts through all the hallucinations*

STRONG MAD: TAPPY!

*He hugs her*

TAPPY: Do I... um, know you? Not that I'm complaining...

STRONG BAD: Oh, man! I can't use this! The family rights activists would be all over this mess!

MARZIPAN: Hi, Tappy!

TAPPY: Marzy! This hallucination totally rocks!

MARZIPAN: Looks like somebody has a crush on you.

TAPPY: Crush is right. You didn't tell me you had a pet akephalos!

STRONG MAD: DAAAAHHHHH....

*Days later*

STRONG BAD: Oh, that does it. Why does hot jungle mama prefer old Sweatylocks over me? Well, I'll teach them a lesson!

STRONG MAD: I'M DATING TONIGHT!

STRONG BAD: Here, man. Have some... garlic corn!

*Lightning flashes outside*

STRONG BAD: Whoa. Did I do that? Not bad!

*Strong Mad runs off to his date*

STRONG BAD: And now to watch the budding romance die a screaming, sweltering death.

STRONG MAD: TAPPY!

TAPIOCA: Whoa. Easy there, big fella. Looks like you've been eating... something unpleasant.

[To the tune of: "Beauty and the Beast"]

I smell lots of grime,
Open wide for me
Something's wrong tonight
With those pearly whites
Whatever could it be?
Your smile is your crown
Wear it like a wreath
Yellowed, stained and worn,
I think that looks like corn
It's stuck in your teeth

Just what did you eat?
Because I can tell
You forgot to brush
Your mouth is full of mush
And it sorely smells

It's all stuck up with grime
The smell's a tad strong
Bittersweet and rank
How come your breath stank?
Because it just smells wrong
There, the cleaning's done,
There's no need to seethe
You'd better floss next time
It's all stuck up with grime
It's stuck in your teeth

You'd better floss next time
It's all stuck up with grime
It's stuck in your teeth

There, that's better. Okay, now you sing something.

STRONG MAD: O sink unbewußt… höchste Lust!

TAPPY: ...What?

STRONG MAD: WRONG STORY?

TAPPY: ...Okay. I guess I'll sing something again.

[to the tune of: "Something There"]

                He's not too bright
                But I don't mind
                I think the rugged, neckless type is just my kind
                He's somewhat rough
                But I see more
                And maybe he's the one that I've been waiting for

*Strong Sad pokes his way in*

STRONG SAD: I'll handle this... I guess...

                She loves him so
                I know it's true
                It seems that she just looks past anything he'll do
                It's meant to be
                It can't be wrong
                But I just wish she would have picked another Strong...

*Strong Mad bashes Strong Sad over the far horizon*

TAPPY:  Yes, he can be an armful
                And maybe he lacks some subtlety
                But to me he is never harmful
                I really think this guy's in love with me

*We see a small group of characters watching*

MARZIPAN:  Well, who'd have thought?
HOMESTAR: Who would think what?
BUBS:              Well, who could tell?
HOMESTAR: Did I miss something?
COACH Z:      Who'd ever think that good ol' Strong Mad'd get a gal?
HOMESTAR: What's with the singing?
MARZIPAN:  Wait and see
ALL:                 We'll wait and see
                          Give them some time
                         And for the first time here the wedding bells could chime
BUBS:              Just for them I think I'll deduct an entire dime!
HOMESTAR: What? Who?
COACH Z:      And... uh... I can't think of anything that rhymes?
HOMESTAR: When the cwap are you people gonna give me a stwaight answer?

MARZIPAN: Homestar, go to bed.

HOMESTAR: Okay, fine! Whatever!

*He crawls into a cupboard*

HOMESTAR: I fweakin' hate this musical!

*2 Days hence*

STRONG BAD: Hey, Tapster. You seen Strong Mad? He still hasn't come back from that fun-fair thing.

TAPPY: WHAT?! You left him there?

STRONG BAD: Hey, it's not like he's gonna get kidnapped or something.

TAPPY: I'd better go check it out.

*She reaches the fair*

STRONG MAD: TAPPY!

TAPPY: Strong Mad! What are you doing in that cage?

STRONG MAD: SNIFFING?

TAPPY: I'm gonna get the manager. This is a disgrace!

TRAINER: Hey! No fraternizing with the freaks, missy! Unless you'd like to join them!

TAPPY: Let him go this instant or you're gonna get on my bad side!

TRAINER: All right, missy. I'm gonna tell Madame X about this!

TAPPY: And who, may I ask, is Madame X?

TRAINER: Who is Madame X? Who is Madame X?

TAPPY: That's what I just asked you.

TRAINER: All right, young lady. You asked for it.

[to the tune of "Be Our Guest"]

                Madame X,
                Madame X,
                When it comes to evil, she's the best
                She is building her menagerie,
                And I think that you are next!
                Locked in chains
                In a cage,
                It will do no good to rage
                Stripped of dignity and raiment
                For the public's entertainment
                You've no hope,
                You've no chance
                Don't mess with her, she is from France
                And if you start acting up, it'll be your neck!
                So, give up nice and quiet
                No escape, don't try, it's
                Madame X,
                Madame X,
                Madame X!

                You'll see places
                Large and small,
                Minneapolis and St. Paul,
                From Chicago to Vancouver,
                You'll be shown off at them all!
                You're alone,
                And you're scared,
                It's your fault for looking weird!
                Just a little sideshow training,
                And you'll soon be entertaining
                When locked up,
                Beat with sticks,
                Then you can mesmerize the hicks
CREW:   No matter what your race, religion,
                Creed, or sex,
                We'll put you in traction,
                Just for a new attraction,
                Madame X,
TRAINER: Are you perplexed?
                She will make her entrance next!
CREW:   Madame X!
                Madame X!
                Madame X!

*Mme. X makes her appearance amongst a throng of minions. Spotlight on her*

MME X: Some find it unnerving
                But I say, who is more deserving?
                Might as well be just the freaks that are put upon;
                And for what higher purpose are they useful?
                Don't curse me for all the things I've done...
                People laugh and call them funny,
                While the public gives me money,
                No-one's hurt, besides a few unfortunate kills...
                It is the freaks, I've given my life to hassle,
                Are my morals somewhat hazy?
                Of course not! I'm just crazy!

TAPPY:  Madame X?
                Madame X?
                Well, you know she's got me vexed!
                Now my boyfriend's in the joint and
                Living with these other wrecks!
                What's her deal?
                What's her thing?
                Can she take just anything?
                Looks like her ugliness could kill her,
                But she looks oddly familiar
                Can it be?
                No, it can't!
                Heaven's sakes! Is she my aunt?
                She's so ugly that I think she cracked my specs!
                We'd best get out of here,
                Or it's the end, I fear!
                It's Madame X!
STRONG MAD:  MADAME X?
TAPPY:  Madame X!
STRONG MAD: MADAME X?

CREW:   Madame X!
                Madame X!
                Her command is our request
                She's as lovely and cuddly as
                A Tyrannosaurus Rex!
                Muscled jocks,
                Kooky geeks,
                Treats 'em like the other freaks,
                Now there's nowhere that you're going,
                Your life is but for our showing...

                Town by town,
                A ten-year run,
                Until your useful days are done,
MME X: Then you'll be stuffed and sent off to Virginia Tech!
CREW:   From now on you're our servant,
                Our mistress is quite fervent,
                Madame X!
                Madame X!
                Madame X!
                She's Madame X!

*Mme. X takes advantage of the crazy finale to shoot Tappy with a tranquilizer*

TAPPY: I can't BELIEVE I fell for that one.

*Blackout*

*Strong Bad and The Cheat stow aboard the clown wagon to rescue them*

THE CHEAT: Meena wuh nuneena!

STRONG BAD: Don't be ridiculous, The Cheat! We'll get 'em both out!

THE CHEAT: Meh!

[to the tune of "Gaston"]

STRONG BAD: I thought that you knew me better, The Cheat
                            So what's with the lingering doubt?
                            Strong Mad's behind bars but we're still not defeated,
                            We'll soon have him busted right out!
                            There's no guy out there who's as awesome as me
                            And remember that Strong Mad's my bro
                            Soon Madame X will know my supremacy
                            Don't act like you don't already know:

                No one plans like a Strong,
                Has quick hands like a Strong,
                No one is so totally the man like a Strong!
                For there's no one so utterly awesome,
                I'm the reason we have the word "cool",
                I've got muscles and I'm sure you saw some,
                That keep ladies slipping in their drool!

CLOWNS:  No one's tough as a Strong
                     Ripped and buff as a Strong
                     No one's forehead's as curiously rough as a Strong
STRONG BAD:   I'm the kind of guy just made for celebrating!
CLOWNS: I love that guy! A Strong!

STRONG BAD: All the ladies will swoon!
                            All the guys start to clap!
                            Strong Bad is the coolest
                            And the rest are all crap!

CLOWNS:  No one schemes like a Strong
                     Makes big dreams like a Strong
                     No one's deafened from the ladies' screams like a Strong!
                     For there's no one as cunning and clever
                     No one's mouth's so unusually square
                     His machismo just goes on forever
STRONG BAD: So hot I'm unable to own underwear!

CLOWNS: No one's built like a Strong
                    To the hilt like a Strong
                    No one bribes the judge to cover guilt like a Strong!
SR. CARDGAGE: I disclose you, my Susanna Gatorading!
THE CHEAT: Bleah!
CLOWNS: Okay, that's just wrong!

STRONG BAD: Gotta mask, I got gloves, a superior brain,
                            In my head like a big, mad, red egg
                            For a moment like this I've been quite sure to train,
                            On my big Strong Sad-shaped punching bag!

CLOWNS: No one plots crimes like a Strong
                    Many times as a Strong
                    No one's songs have as many tough rhymes as a Strong!
STRONG BAD: For Strong Mad's big jailbreak I am primed and waiting!
CLOWN: Who is the man?
                 Like nobody else can?
                 The big e-mail shah,
                 Give a big hip-hurrah!
                 The guy everyone loves?
                 With his bad boxing gloves?
                 When you have a caper you just can't go wrong
                 One reason all along that we're singing this song...

SR CARDGAGE: Could you volunteer myself for your annuities, Bridgina?

CLOWNS: ...A Strong!

STRONG BAD: Whew! Whaddya think now, The Cheat?

THE CHEAT: Mehhhh.

STRONG BAD: Whaddya mean the last lines were contrived? I'm not contrived! YOU'RE contrived!

*He punts The Cheat away*

*Next morning. Strong Mad and Tappy stir after a Destino-like nightmare sequence*

MME X: Put it in their breakfast. They'll be more managable after a trip to the taxidermist's.

*They get served acidic breakfast matter*

TAPPY: We're getting out of here.

*She uses the breakfast to dissolve the bars*

STRONG MAD: YAY!

TAPPY: Shhh!

MME X: What's this? They're escaping!

[to the tune of "The Mob Song"]

MME X: How dare those two escape?
                Well, now they'll pay the price
                Defying Madame X is something nobody does twice!
                I will not leave my prize attractions running around free
                So, it's time to do some hunting, boys
                It's time to follow me!

CREW:   Through the tents
                Through the booths
                Take a shortcut through the midway, and don't
                Forget to look under all the rides!
                Over there
                In the fair
                They're escaping from the sideshow
                And we'll prove to them they've got no place to hide!
                First we'll eliminate the big strong one
                Then we'll take out Madame's niece
                Let them run
                All around
                We won't stop until they're found
                'Til they're dead!
                Good and dead!
                Kill the freaks!

TAPPY: These guys mean business, Strong Mad! We need a plan!

STRONG MAD: I CAN PLAN! LIKE A RACCOON! ON THE MOON!

TAPPY: Hey, wait! I've got an idea!

CREW:   Grab the nets,
                Get the guns,
                This time we won't be sedating them
                It is time to stop those meddlers in their tracks
                Look alive
                Don't give up
                They could not have gotten far from here
                This time they'll not survive our next attacks
                For we have our orders from Madame
                We'll be on them if either one speaks
                Grab your pack,
                Load your gun,
                This will be a little fun,
                This time we won't set for stun!

MME X: Spread out, you dogs! Let Madame handle this! You there! Have you seen a pair of disgusting freaks?

TEENAGER: Uhhhhh... yeah, I have, dude. Your FACE! Huhuhuh... burn....

*Madame X starts flaying the poor teen*

MME X: Well don't stand there, you fools! Find them!

CREW:   Find them both
                Push ahead
                We won't stop until they're dead!
                We're like vultures and they're nearly in our beaks!
                Killing eye
                To the fore
                We are now declaring war
                We won't take it anymore
                We'll kill the freaks!

*Tappy and Strong Mad, sveltly disguised, rendezvous with Strong Bad and The Cheat*

STRONG MAD: YOU CAN'T TELL IT'S ME!

STRONG BAD: Uh oh. Is this one of those hazing things?

TAPPY: Skip the witty banter. Let's get out of here first!

CREW:   On alert
                Shoot to kill
                We won't let them get away from us
                We'll find them even if it takes two weeks!
                Make them pay
                Make them learn
                And we'll leave no stone unturned
                Hunt them down and make them burn!
                Let's kill the freaks!

MME X: THERE you are!

CREW:   Kill the freaks!
                Kill the freaks!
                Kill the freaks!

TAPPY: Oh, shut up.

*She kicks dirt in Mme. X's face*

MME X: Ow, my face! It was a sweet sixteen present!

*The heroes flee*

MME X: Curses! They've escaped!

CREW: Can we stop singing now?

*Madame X starts flaying the crew*

*Our heroes walk arm-in-arm into the sunset*

STRONG BAD: Well, it looks like the musical's over.

TAPPY: Why? There's still so much story to tell!

STRONG MAD: I DID IT MY WAY!

STRONG BAD: Well, we kinda... ran outta songs.

TAPPY: Ooh, I get it.

STRONG BAD (addressing you-know-who): It's now... up to you.

STRONG MAD: YOU BROKE THE FOURTH WALL!

TAPPY: It's okay, snuggles. We'll fix it.

STRONG MAD: DAHHHH...

THE END